What You Bring With You
by wordboy
Summary: With a little nudge from Chiana, Aeryn begins to come to terms with the death of her John


"What You Bring With You"  
  
Time: Not long after Fractures  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Farscape, didn't create the characters, and don't make a plug nickel off of it.  
  
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"What are we doing here?"  
  
Chiana glanced over her shoulder then turned back to the tents arrayed on one side of the crowded plaza. Behind her, Aeryn stood rigidly, her face looking as if it had been carved from solid rock. As far as Chiana was concerned, Aeryn was never the most expressive of women. But ever since returning to Moya, she had shown even less emotion. That it had dragged down the overall morale of the crew was obvious. That it was pushing John past his breaking point was too painful for Chiana to consider. She decided to take matters into her own hands.  
  
"Well, Rygel and Crais are negotiating for the supplies we need, Princess Jool is still trying to put that Boolite back together, John and D'Argo are working on his module. None of my skills really make me much help in any of those endeavors, so I thought we could do a little sightseeing." Chiana took a few steps toward the tents and looked back. Aeryn hadn't moved. "Oh, come on, Aeryn! Will you relax for five frellin' microts?"  
  
Aeryn stared at Chiana, then looked toward the tents. Slowly, she began to walk toward them. "What's in there?"  
  
"From what I've heard, only what you bring with you. Not quite sure what that means, but it sounds interesting."  
  
Aeryn looked at her out of the corner of her eye, and Chiana wasn't sure if she saw indifference or anger.  
  
They found a number of cabinets under the tents. Each cabinet looked like it should have been in someone's sitting room as a treasured antique, rather than under a tent in a bazaar. A number of four armed beings, whose skin seemed to shift through various shades of red, milled around the cabinets, talking to patrons. Occasionally, someone stepped in or stepped out of the cabinets. The ones that stepped in looked anxious, the ones that stepped out looked either relieved or heartbroken.  
  
One of the red skinned beings approached them, arms spread in welcome, a toothy grin on his narrow face. "Welcome to you! With what may I help you?" The robes he wore were more ornate than what the others wore, which suggested to Chiana that he was the proprietor.  
  
Chiana looked around. "What do you do here?"  
  
"We ease pain, relieve grief. Have you lost a loved one? Our cabinets can help you ease that loss and show you the path back to the light."  
  
Aeryn gasped and took a step backward. The look she turned toward Chiana could have burned through Moya's hull, and her hands clenched into fists. For a microt, it looked as if she were trying to keep herself from drawing her pulse pistol. Instead, she just turned and started to march away.  
  
Chiana grabbed her arm. "Aeryn, wait. Look, we all have to deal with grief at one time or another. But if you keep holding it in…"  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
"If you keep holding it in, you're going to kill yourself, and probably take John with you."  
  
"It's none of your business, Chiana."  
  
"You're probably right. Thing is, as annoying as he can be sometimes, John's my friend. To be honest, you and I will never be close, but I can't stand to see you like this." And if I can do anything to keep these visions I've been having from coming true, all the better, she thought.  
  
For a microt, Chiana thought Aeryn was going to walk away. But she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and started for the cabinets. "What do I have to do?"  
  
The proprietor nodded and waved at the nearest of the cabinets. "You simply step in."  
  
"What's in there?"  
  
"Only what you bring with you."  
  
Aeryn stared at the proprietor then opened the door on the nearest cabinet. She stared at the darkened interior, took a deep breath and stepped in.  
  
Chiana watched the door closed and felt herself relax. "Will she be all right?"  
  
The proprietor shrugged (which looked almost amusing to Chiana, given his four arms). "That depends on the strength of her soul. When you first told me of the depth of her grief, and the pain she carries, I doubted our cabinets could help her. But we shall see." He nodded and stepped away.  
  
Chiana watched him, then looked around. Not seeing any benches or chairs, she sat on the ground to wait.  
  
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The darkness closed in on her as soon as the door closed.  
  
Aeryn glanced back at the door and looked around. The darkness was so deep, she couldn't even see the walls of the cabinet. Cautiously, she reached out. When she didn't feel the walls, Aeryn frowned. The frown deepened when she saw a circle of light appear in the distance. She knew the cabinet's floor space couldn't have been more than a square metra, so the light couldn't be there.  
  
"What kind of mind frell is this?"  
  
The proprietor's voice came from all around her. "If you doubt what your eyes tell you, then step forward. You will see."  
  
Shaking her head, Aeryn started to walk forward. She stopped shaking her head when she reached the circle of light. "Okay. Something's going on here. What happens now?"  
  
"Now you get to listen to yourself."  
  
Aeryn turned and saw herself step into the light. This other Aeryn seemed to be in a somewhat better frame of mind; she appeared to be more relaxed and was almost smiling.  
  
"What kind of trick is it?"  
  
"No trick, Aeryn. I'm you. Actually, I'm the part of you that you've buried underneath your grief and pain. I'm the part of you that actually looked forward to the future."  
  
Aeryn looked around, as if trying to find something. "Who's behind this? Maldis?"  
  
The other Aeryn closed her eyes and sighed. "No, Aeryn. The people behind this are peaceful and only want to help. This is their way of doing it."  
  
Aeryn stared at her twin and shook her head. "Frell this." She turned and started walking.  
  
Half an arn later, Aeryn stopped walking and looked around. It hadn't taken her that long to reach the circle of light the first time. "Where's the frelling door?"  
  
"Are you going to listen now?"  
  
Aeryn turned, surprised to find the light and her double now behind her. "I suppose I have no choice. So, go on. What do you have to say?"  
  
The duplicate Aeryn shook her head slowly and began to pace around the perimeter of the light. "How long are you going to carry on like this?"  
  
"Carry on like what?"  
  
"You're walking around like you're in a daze. You act as if the world around you doesn't exist. You've built a wall around yourself…around me…"  
  
"Stop. I'm not acting any different than I did before I came onboard Moya."  
  
The twin threw her head back and laughed. "That's a joke, isn't it? I was never this cold and distant before you came onboard Moya and met John. I wasn't the most open person around, but I at least acknowledged the people around me."  
  
"I had never lost someone I loved before."  
  
"So you really didn't feel anything for Velorek. Is that it?" When Aeryn didn't respond, the twin stepped closer. "Why are you like this? Why are you in mourning?"  
  
Aeryn's voice was cold and lifeless. "John's dead."  
  
The twin shook her head. "John Crichton is dead. Long live John Crichton. The John that was with you on Talyn is dead. But John is still alive. The John that remained on Moya is the same as the John that was with you on Talyn. All that he lacks is the memories of the time you and the other John shared."  
  
"He's not my John."  
  
"Yes, he is! He has the same intelligence, the same mannerism, the same meaningless cultural references, the same inability to come up with a plan that actually works, the same ability to think on his feet when things go bad. The two Johns were equal and original. Neither one was a copy. Let me ask you this: If you had remained onboard Moya, and this John had died, would you feel this way about the John that left on Talyn?"  
  
Aeryn stared at her twin, her face becoming colder and harder. The twin shook her head, threw up her arms in defeat, and stormed off. "Oh frell this! She's not listening to me! Maybe you can get through to her."  
  
Staring into the darkness, Aeryn tried to spot the door. When she still couldn't see it, she threw her head back and yelled, "Where is the frelling door! Let me the frell out of here!"  
  
"Such anger. You were never this short tempered before."  
  
Aeryn's eyes went wide and she felt a shudder begin deep within her body. That voice…  
  
"But if you will not listen to yourself, then who will you listen to?"  
  
Aeryn turned slowly toward the figure now stepping into the light. "Zhaan?"  
  
Looking as calm and serene as she always had, Zhaan stepped close to Aeryn. A reassuring smile drifted across her face. "Yes, Aeryn. I can feel the pain in your heart, the sadness that you carry with you."  
  
"John's dead," Aeryn whispered.  
  
Zhaan was silent for a microt, as if considering what to say next. "Do you remember what I told you a cycle ago, when I brought you back from death?"  
  
Aeryn felt her control begin to slip, and tears began to well up in her eyes. "You said you brought me back because you loved me."  
  
"And…?"  
  
"And you said that John loves me." Now the tears began to run freely down her face.  
  
"Yes. John loves you. John. Not the John that was on Moya, or the John that was on Talyn. Just John. Two bodies, one soul, one man. There is no difference between the two."  
  
Unable to hold back her emotions, Aeryn started sobbing and stepped into Zhaan's arms. "Oh Zhaan! I don't know what to do! I've never…I've never felt anything like this before! I don't think…I can handle it! If I open up again, and John dies…again…"  
  
Zhaan held her close and gently caressed her hair. "Let it out. It does you no good to hold your emotions in. That will only cause you more pain and heartbreak. And remember, the goddess does not send us down paths that we are unable to travel. It will be difficult for a time, but in the end, you will find happiness."  
  
Aeryn stepped back and looked into Zhaan's eyes. "I've been acting like a fool, haven't I?"  
  
"As you said, you've never felt anything like this before. You've never given yourself to anyone before, so you weren't ready for all the emotions that went along with it. But trust me, the rewards far outweigh the risks."  
  
Aeryn rubbed her eyes and wiped away the tears. "I wish you were still with us, Zhaan."  
  
Zhaan smiled and began to back out of the light. "I am always with you. I will always be with you. Be brave, Aeryn. Be brave."  
  
When Zhaan was swallowed by the darkness, Aeryn settled herself down. Sensing someone else, Aeryn looked to her left. In the distance, barely at the edge of the light, she could see another figure, this one a man.  
  
"John?" Instead of answering, the figure just back away.  
  
A click came from her right. Aeryn inhaled deeply, wiped her eyes again and walked toward where she now knew the door to be.  
  
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Chiana looked up as the cabinet's door swung open. She stood as Aeryn stepped out. To her surprise, Chiana saw that the hard expression Aeryn had worn was now gone, replaced by sadness. Her eyes were red, as if she had been crying.  
  
Aeryn stopped in front of Chiana. "Are you all right, Aeryn?"  
  
"I will be," she said quietly. "How long was I in there?"  
  
"A few microts. Why?"  
  
"Seemed like almost three quarters of an arn." Aeryn took a deep breath and let it out slowly. A faint smile began to cross her face. "Thank you, Chiana."  
  
Chiana smiled and felt herself relax. "You're welcome."  
  
Aeryn turned to the proprietor. "How much do I owe you?"  
  
The proprietor shook his head slowly. "If your time in the cabinet has eased the pain in your heart, that is payment enough for us. Go in peace and remember what you have learned here."  
  
"I will, and thank you. Let's go, Chiana."  
  
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Aeryn looked into John's quarters, half relieved to find the room empty. Cautiously, she stepped into the room and looked around. It seemed that every flat surface was covered with clutter, which seemed to fit the state of unease that John must have found himself in after she had departed on Talyn.  
  
She walked slowly around the chamber, considering the clutter and the generally disarrayed state of the room. She wasn't sure why she had come to the room; the sudden surge of pleasant memories that accompanied her drifting was almost too much for her. But Aeryn forced herself to stay.  
  
In a single clear spot on a table, Aeryn spotted a small box. She gently picked it up and opened it. She was surprised to find a lock of dark hair, lying on a small cushion like a piece of jewelry. Carefully picking it up, Aeryn studied the hair, realizing it was her own hair.  
  
"Aeryn?"  
  
Aeryn jumped. She hadn't heard John come into the room. She turned, still holding the lock of hair. "Where did you get this?"  
  
John looked uncomfortable for a microt then went to the bed. As he sat, he said, "I took it when you were…when you were dead. I wanted something to remember you, a keepsake. Are you all right? You look like you've been crying."  
  
"I have been." Slowly, Aeryn walked up to John and sat next to him. "I owe you an apology, John. I've treated you poorly since we rendezvoused."  
  
John sighed. He held out his hand, hesitated, then gently touched her shoulder. "When you were dead, I felt the same way you do now. When I was lying there on the table, with my skull hanging open, I just wanted to die. I didn't want to live without you."  
  
Aeryn inhaled deeply. "This is all too much for me to handle at once, John. I know it's been painful for you." She saw John's eyes roll upward, and she smiled. "I just need some more time to process it."  
  
John nodded slowly. The words of his twin came back to him: She takes time. "We have all the time in the universe, Aeryn. If it'll help, we can put our personal lives on hold until we ice Scorpius."  
  
He almost expected the puzzled look Aeryn turned toward him. "You want to freeze Scorpius?"  
  
Despite himself, John laughed. "No. I mean, once we kill Scorpius, we can work on getting our personal lives back together. I just…I just need to know that you're all right."  
  
Aeryn slipped her arm around his shoulders and hugged him once. "Not yet, but I will be. Just be there for me when I need you."  
  
"Just turn around. I'll be there." John smiled and, for the first time, felt hope creep back into his mind. 


End file.
